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[sfx: microphone tapping] Can everyone hear me alright? Phew, that'd be a pretty awkward way to begin, yeah? If I did a whole spiel and nobody heard me? [chuckling]

Alright, everybody, [clapping] welcome to today's lecture in social skills 120! I know, I know, it's a general elective and everyone just kinda wants to chill in general electives, I can read a room, it's literally what I teach *and* research, but - I do still gotta teach you stuff from a curriculum, so if you would please sit up - pay attention [snaps fingers], then we can get to the meat of today's lesson.

Today's just an introduction so normally in most classes lecturers do icebreakers and awkwardly go over their courses, but I think here in Social Skills 120 I can do a little better than that.

Now, I'm part of the Psychology facility, and I do have the department's reputation to maintain as being a bit more entertaining than droning on at the front of the classroom while all our students fall asleep, and most of you here probably think that you've already got a handle on social skills, and this is just an easy ride, and for some of you, you'd be right.

However, for some of you, you'd be dead wrong, and you might not have noticed, whether it's because you've got a stunning lack of social skills, or because you've come from being a top dog wherever you were - whether that's high schools, or if you're one of our older students - your company or your workplace. You might not have noticed that your general bonhomie... is actually insulting your peers.

Or, third option, you're aware that your social skills are not fully up to par, and you're here to get a better handle on it. If that's the case, well, I applaud you, and I'll teach you well.

Now, this is a class that is very light on bookwork, and fairly heavy on actually practicing it. I'm not gonna have you talk too much to your neighbor in class, I'm not old enough to forget how awkward that is, and the lecture hall seating's not the best laid out for it. Which is why, during the tutorials, I *will* need you all to attend them, they are compulsory, and most of your grade will be from there.

However, with that the necessary housekeeping out of the way, let's get started on today's topic.

[sfx: big paper unfolding] How to compliment a woman, 101.

Now, I'm sure those of you doing the psychology majors in the room are wondering about why I decided to open with *this* topic in particular.

Well, have a look around. Despite psychology's heavy skew towards women, the audience in this room is mostly, but not entirely, male. Part of that is that - well, we managed to wrangle it so that the engineering and computer science courses actually *require* you to take this paper at some point, but also because - let's be quite honest here and talk realpolitik - if we can get a whole bunch of dudes like you guys to stop catcalling women, people feel safer on campus, we can increase your individual chances of actually getting laid, *and* if it makes you feel like you don't need to posture in order to prove your masculinity, we might actually spend less money on maintenance and security and I can get paid more.

So I'm being very blunt here, and this is why I've chosen to start off with this topic.

On the flipside, a bunch of you guys are either too shy to compliment a woman, or you don't know what to say, and things just come out automatically, and they're insulting, and you're humiliated, and they're humiliated, and it's just awkward all around.

For the women in the room, part of this is that guys don't compliment guys - we prove our worth through actions, doing things together; words don't come easy to most men, and it's very easy to trip up.

Now, this topic *is* going to be on the exam, so do pay attention, but my tests are quite open and easy to pass - basically, and I'll tell you right now what the exam is - it's to get into a conversation with one of my testers and make it through, building a rapport with them, without horribly offending them at one point or another. They will be quite closed off, but they will be open to talking, so you'll have to get them to open up.

Really, that simple. And yet, for some people it's going to be very difficult. Simple doesn't mean easy. So study hard, and my office hours are posted on the wall next to my door - or, you can find me after the lecture is over.

If you're interested in pursuing this specialization in Psychology, eventually we cover public speaking, leadership, and lean into psychotherapy and counselling, but for the moment, let's just cover our course.

So for now! Let's get started on How to compliment a woman, 101.

[sfx: paper rustling]

First off. CONTEXT. Where are you? Are you on the street? Are you at work? Are you sitting next to her? Do you know her? All of those things matter, but if you have no idea about any of it and it's the first time you've met, default to one thing:

Written in big letters: The simplest way to compliment a woman - is to compliment the things that she has chosen for herself, and to do for herself, what she has, through her own will, achieved.

Whether that's what she's wearing, the way she's done her hair - note, NOT her hair color UNLESS it's dyed - her accessories. Her jewelry, her bag, whatever. More relevantly - her attitude, her personality, the way she carries herself, her confidence - *not* the looks that she can't change. The best way to initiate it, is in response to something else, not completely out of the blue.

Biggest thing to avoid, #1 Big Red Rule, if you've not got advanced social skills - and this *will* be on the test - Keep. The. Sex. Out of it. If it could be in any way, shape or form interpreted as sexual, and since 95% of the time you are not in a sexual context where it would be fine, avoid talking about sex. Nothing about how her tits are spilling out of her dress. Nothing about thicc thighs. Nothing, about her lips or hands, or whatever. Nothing about stuff that she cannot change, nothing about things that she was born with.

Avoid all of that. Keep that all out of it.

If you do know her better, if you've spent time with her, then you can move on to complimenting her apropos of nothing, about her personality traits that she has chosen to show. Whether that's her intelligence, her compassion, her ability to resolve issues, to problem-solve, her creativity, her curiosity, and so on. Still keeping the #1 Big Red Rule in mind. No sex.

Keep it broad, maybe use an example, then leave it be. For instance: I have a demonstrator here with me today, Madeline, to save the ladies in the class being used as an example.

Okay, so, I want you lot to observe the reaction that Madeline here has, with a positive, and a negative example.

Negative example first. I've just met her for the first time, and the first thing I say is -

...Damn girl, nice tits! I'd love to feel them around my c-- [slap]

And that's how you insult a woman. Don't do that.

Positive example, I've just met her for the first time, and the first thing I say is -

Hi - oh! Are you the representative they sent from the faculty?

[pause]

Ah, they didn't tell me they were sending me an expert in the field! I'm looking forward to working with you.

[pause]

Ah, good question. For y'all that couldn't hear it, "Sir, isn't that exactly the same as complimenting anyone?"

Very good! Yes. Exactly. When you've known them for a long time, that's exactly the approach you should take. If you *do* know them better, however -

Now, I've known Madeline for about two years, give or take, and she teaches second year Social Skills papers, so this is what I would say to her now as a true compliment:

Madeline, it's a genuine delight and pleasure to work with you. Your professionalism, and the rampant chaos, vibrancy, and joy that you take in life, makes even the late nights when the coffee machine's broken, an absolute riot and delight to experience. I'm going to miss you very much when you move on from this university, because you're going to go on to do great things, and I do wish you the best no matter where you go.

- Now, observe her reaction: see the difference between a slap, and that?

[pause]

Ah, yes. The inevitable jokester. Insinuating that Madeline and I have slept together.

Right. Firstly, that's none of your business, and secondly, thank you.

I firmly believe in Pavlov and regular schedules of conditioning - and if you're taking other psychology papers you might learn about those. More relevantly, cold water is very bracing, and much better than humiliation of others. I do hope you wore waterproof clothes, sir.

For breaking the #1 Big Red Rule, I sentence you to cold water.

[sfx: water splash]

Any other questions?

Fantastic!

Now, let's move onto more advanced ways to compliment people in general...